I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
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