I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
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