Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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