Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
