I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Too much gin, very little bucket
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
