I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize