Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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