I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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