he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
