I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
