barbara walters just said penis...
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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