He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
