you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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