do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
