there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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