Your face is a jimmy john
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
