So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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