Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize