what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
