When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
