And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
