Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
