My sheets look like a crime scene.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Four minutes until I can fart!
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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