"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
