So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
40s are totally the cure
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
