We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
