where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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