remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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