Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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