If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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