i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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