I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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