I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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