It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
