I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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