Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
