UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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