can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
