your parents love me but you hate me
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
And then he peed in my hair
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