God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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