i was born a porn star she said
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
