dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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