I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
