you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
