my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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