Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
