so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
