I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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