I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize