oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize