I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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