hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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