i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
