They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
